Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?

(And What You Can Do About It—for Your Mental Health)

If you’re an adult who finds it hard to make friends, you're not alone. Many people quietly carry this same struggle: a longing for deeper connection but confusion or shame about how difficult it actually is to build and maintain adult friendships. While social media may give the impression that everyone else has their social life perfectly figured out, the truth is that many adults feel isolated, disconnected, or frustrated when it comes to making new friends.

But why is making friends as an adult so difficult? And more importantly, what can you do about it? Let’s explore some of the common reasons this struggle is so widespread, how it ties into your mental health, and practical steps you can take to create authentic, supportive relationships at any stage of adulthood.

Why Making Friends as an Adult Is So Hard

1. Fewer Built-in Opportunities for Connection

In childhood and adolescence, we’re constantly placed in settings where connection is built into our day: school, extracurriculars, playdates, sports, or simply hanging out after class. As we transition into adulthood, those natural environments often disappear. Workplaces may be more formal or isolating. Relationships and family responsibilities take priority. And over time, many adults find they simply don't have built-in, low-pressure spaces for forming new friendships.

Unless you’re in a very social job or community, most adult environments aren't designed for meaningful connection—especially not the kind that leads to lasting friendship.

2. Competing Responsibilities

As adults, we're juggling jobs, family obligations, mental health, physical health, and the daily tasks of survival. The idea of "grabbing coffee" or "getting dinner" often gets pushed to the bottom of the list. Even if we want to build friendships, finding the time and energy to consistently nurture them can feel impossible.

This leads to a cycle: we feel lonely, but also overwhelmed. We crave connection, but don’t have the bandwidth to initiate or maintain it.

3. Fear of Rejection or Being "Too Much"

By adulthood, most of us have experienced relational wounds—friendships that faded, people who pulled away, or social groups where we never quite felt we belonged. These experiences can leave emotional residue: anxiety about reaching out, fear of being judged, or worry that we’re "too much" or "not enough."

That internal narrative can sound like:

• "They probably already have enough friends."

• "What if they think I’m awkward or needy?"

• "I don’t want to bother them."

And so, we stay silent—not because we don’t care, but because we’re protecting ourselves from the vulnerability of trying.

4. Modern Culture Isn’t Set Up for Community

Our culture often values independence, productivity, and busyness over slow, connected living. Social media can make it seem like everyone else is deeply connected while you're on the outside looking in. But curated posts aren’t the same as deep connection.

Add in the effects of the pandemic, remote work, and the erosion of community spaces, and it’s no surprise that adult friendship has become a public health concern.

Why Adult Friendship Matters for Mental Health

Human beings are wired for connection. From a nervous system perspective, feeling seen and supported by others helps regulate our stress response, increase resilience, and buffer against depression and anxiety.

Research consistently shows that strong social support can:

• Improve emotional regulation

• Lower cortisol levels (stress hormone)

• Increase life satisfaction and self-worth

• Protect against cognitive decline

• Improve immune functioning and physical health

On the flip side, loneliness has been linked to:

• Depression and anxiety

• Increased risk of heart disease and stroke

• Sleep disturbances

• Substance use

• Suicidal ideation

In short, friendship isn’t just a “nice-to-have”—it’s a mental health essential.

What You Can Do to Build Meaningful Adult Friendships

1. Start Small and Stay Consistent

If you’re overwhelmed by the idea of building a new friendship, start with micro-interactions: say hello to a neighbor, chat briefly with a coworker, or follow up with someone you’ve enjoyed talking to once.

Consistency is key. Regular, low-stakes interactions help build familiarity and trust. Think: showing up to the same yoga class each week, attending a monthly book club, or even commenting on someone’s story in a meaningful way.

2. Join Interest-Based Groups or Communities

Shared interests give you something to connect over without the pressure of small talk. Whether it’s a running group, spiritual community, creative writing class, or even an online forum, showing up where others with shared values gather increases your chances of meeting like-minded people.

3. Be Honest About Wanting Connection

It might feel awkward, but telling someone, "I've really enjoyed talking with you and would love to stay in touch" can be powerful. People often feel the same way but are waiting for someone else to make the first move.

You can also say:

• "I’m trying to be more intentional about building community."

• "It’s been hard making friends as an adult—would you be open to coffee sometime?"

It might feel scary, but vulnerability is the bridge to connection.

4. Release the Pressure for Friendship to Look a Certain Way

Not every friend needs to be a "ride-or-die." Some friendships serve different purposes—a friend for parenting support, another for shared hobbies, and another for deep heart talks. Let your relationships be diverse and imperfect.

Also, it’s okay if you don’t become best friends with everyone you meet. Focus on quality over quantity, and give friendships time to unfold.

5. Work with the Parts of You That Resist Connection

If you notice avoidance, self-doubt, or fear around building relationships, it may be helpful to explore those internal dynamics with a therapist. Often, these protective patterns stem from earlier relational wounds—times when connection didn’t feel safe, available, or sustainable.

Therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or EMDR can help you:

• Understand the parts of you that fear vulnerability

• Heal unresolved wounds that make friendship feel risky

• Build a stronger connection to your Self so that you feel more grounded, open, and able to connect with others authentically

You’re Not Alone

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, lonely, or like something is missing—that’s not a personal failure. It’s a deeply human signal that you’re longing for what we all need: real, safe, meaningful connection.

Whether you’re starting from scratch or rebuilding after a season of isolation, it is possible to create the kinds of relationships that nourish you. It might take intention, vulnerability, and patience—but you don’t have to do it alone.

Therapy Can Help

At EMPWR Transformative Therapy, we understand how hard it can be to navigate relationships when you’re carrying old wounds, social anxiety, or just the weight of doing everything on your own.

Our trauma-informed, depth-oriented approach is designed to help you:

• Heal the parts of you that feel unworthy or disconnected

• Understand your relationship patterns

• Build inner safety so you can open up to others with more trust

• Reconnect with yourself first—so you can build more fulfilling connections outwardly

You don’t have to keep pretending you’re fine or figure it all out on your own.

If this resonates, we invite you to book a complimentary 20-minute consultation. Let’s talk about what you’re hoping for, and how we can support you in getting there.

You deserve connection that feels good, safe, and real. Let’s build it together.